.

There can be lot of pressure to lose your virginity - that is, to have sexual intercourse for the first time. Having sex with someone just because you want to lose your virginity, or because you think all your friends are doing it, is something you may regret later.

You might feel lots of anxieties, especially the first time you 'go all the way' - have sex. You may feel embarrassed about how you look without your clothes on, or worried about your privacy being disturbed. It's natural to feel some worries but good communication will really help to prevent you feeling embarrassed or worried. You should be able to talk to your partner about how you feel about having sex for the first time, and about any concerns you may have. Your partner might be worried, too. Being relaxed and able to share things with your partner will really ease the tension. And if you're too shy, or you're not able to talk about these things with your partner - then you probably shouldn't be having sex!

Having sexual intercourse - when a boy's hard penis goes inside a girl's vagina, or even just touches the outside of her vagina - is what leads to pregnancy. So, before having sexual intercourse you should think about whether you need to use contraception to prevent unwanted pregnancy, and condoms to prevent Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs).

Can a girl become pregnant the first time she has sexual intercourse?

Yes, a girl can become pregnant the first time she has sexual intercourse. So, you must use contraception the first time you have sexual intercourse, if you don't want to risk becoming a parent.

What about the law?

The age of consent, that is the age at which it is legal to have sex, depends on which country you are in, and in the United States the law is different in different states (see our teens, sex and the law page for further details).

In England and Wales, the law says it's illegal for a boy or a girl to have sex with a girl or a boy who is under sixteen.

Sex and love

For some people sexual feelings are bound up with love and close relationships. Some people think sex should only happen within marriage. For some people sex and love are two different things.

What is important is that you feel good about yourself and what you are doing, and that you keep yourself safe. Being safe means not only thinking about physical risks such as pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). But also emotional risk such as the regret you may feel afterwards.

When are you ready for sex?

There is no absolute right age to start having sex. What matters is whether it is the right time for you. It also depends on what you mean by 'having sex'. There are many ways in which you can give and receive sexual pleasure without having sexual intercourse.

Giving each other massages, kissing and hugging can be very passionate. It's a way of sharing and showing love. For some people these activities can be more fulfilling than sexual intercourse.

You get pressure from people talking about sex. You think, 'I've got to go and see what it's like'. It's hard, but you've got to resist and do what you want.

It's very important not to feel pressurised into having sex when you don't really want to. Just because your friends say they are 'doing it' doesn't mean they are.

Thinking through all the implications of having sex can be a useful way of helping you arrive at a decision. There are lots of reasons why people don't want to have sex. You may feel that you are not ready emotionally. Being pushed into having sex could mean you regret it later on. Some people have quite strong religious or cultural beliefs. Others just want to wait.

Some people call this decision to wait 'abstinence'. The decision to abstain from having sex can be either a long-term decision or a short-term one. Some people decide that they do not want to start having sex until they are married or in a significant long-term relationship. Other people may decide that having sex isn't the right thing for them at this particular time. Later on they may meet a person who they want and feel ready to have sex with. The decision whether to have sex or not is an important one. You should do what is right for you. It should be an informed decision, and not one based on fear or pressure from others.

But when a boy and girl do decide they want to have sexual intercourse, they should think about using a contraceptive unless they want to become parents. Gay men should also think about using condoms. Condoms can help stop infections like HIV as well as reducing the risk of getting pregnant.

If you're thinking about having sexual intercourse, why not read our ten question checklist to help you decide if you're ready?

How exactly do you have sexual intercourse? What position is best?

Sexual intercourse between a boy and a girl starts with both of them getting sexually excited as a result of kissing, stroking, caressing rubbing and touching each other. This sexual excitement will result in certain physical signs of sexual excitement. For the girl, the vagina, the sexual opening between the legs begins to moisten. The boy will get an erection, which means his penis will get bigger and harden. It is important that this stimulation goes on for long enough, because if the girl is not sexually excited enough, then her vagina will not be lubricated and moist enough, and it will be difficult for the boy's penis to enter the girl's vagina.

When the couple are both ready to have sexual intercourse (and this includes the boy putting a condom on if he is going to use one), it is probably easiest if either the boy or the girl uses their hand to guide the penis into the vagina. Then, once the penis is inside, the couple need to move their bodies so that the penis pushes into the vagina and then pulls partly out again. After a while this movement can lead to orgasm (coming or climaxing) for one or both of them.

There are quite a number of different positions in which you can have sexual intercourse. One very common position involves both the boy and the girl lying down, with the boy lying on top (This is often referred to as the missionary position). Alternatively the girl can be on top or both the boy and the girl can lie on their sides. It is probably easiest to choose one of these positions if you are having sexual intercourse for the first time. However, you can also have sexual intercourse with both the boy and the girl sitting down, one on the other, or both can be standing up. What is most important about whichever position you choose, is that it provides stimulation and enjoyment for both of you.

Will first time sex hurt?

Many boys and girls are concerned that it will hurt the first time they have sexual intercourse. It can hurt and some girls do bleed a little bit. The bleeding usually occurs because the girl has a hymen which breaks the first time she has sexual intercourse.

The hymen is a small piece of thin skin which goes across the opening of the vagina and protects it when she is young. It has some gaps in it where the blood can come out when she has her period. Sometimes a girl might already have broken her hymen without knowing about it. For example, this can happen as a result of playing sports or horse riding.

AVERT.org has more information about having sex for the first time and losing your virginity.

Some accounts from young people

At their house

"I lost my virginity when I was 13 and I still am 13 today. It hurt bad and I was so scared. I knew I couldn't tell anyone except my friend who was there. The worst part of my story is that the guy was 18. This is how my story goes.

"One night I stayed the night at my friend's house. We were talking to these guys I had only known for like a couple of months. They said that they would come and pick us up from her apartment. So we got ready and then they came. I didn't think that anything would happen because I had gone and hung-out with them before at their house. But this time it was different. My whole life was about to change.

"When we got to their house we just hung out and watched T.V. Then I laid on his bed and he jumped on me while my friend and his brother were watching a movie and making out. He started to finger me and then all the sudden I realize I am having sex. I think what made me not say no was because my friend had already had it and I wanted to, but I didn't think it would ever happen in a million years and especially when my friend and his brother were in the room.

"Well me and my friend haven't told anyone and I am too scared to say anything to anyone because I don't want people to think I am a hoe or I am easy or anything. But now I have to live with the guilt of not being able to tell my mom or anyone at that. Me and my mom have talked about sex and I said that I would never do it unless I was like older but I lied to myself and my mom. It made and still makes me feel so bad. I feel like kind of dirty now, but I think eventually I will get over it in time."

Deciding to wait

"When we'd been going out a while everyone started treating us like a couple. People assume because you're going out you have to do everything together. And, once you're an item its only a matter of time before they assume that you're having sex.

"But you see, we've sort of decided to wait a bit longer before we do it. I mean, we have kissed and felt each other and all that sort of thing, you know, maybe just going a little bit further each time, and sometimes I have just wanted to get it over with. You know, the first time - I've heard people say, 'you might as well get it over with, it isn't very good so why wait?'"

Simon

"I'd known Simon for ages, but it wasn't until Year 11 that we started going out. That was two years ago now and we've been together ever since. After about a year we both felt we wanted to have sex, go all the way. We'd nearly done it anyway what with all the snogging and fumbling we'd done on sofas and at discos. Because we were friends and talked a lot we talked about sex too.

"I know we were both really nervous, but talking and laughing really helped. Plus we were able to make sure nothing drastic happened. Although we loved each other loads we certainly didn't want a baby at seventeen or to put our health at risk. So we went together to the clinic, sorted things out so that there wouldn't be any worries.

"We made sure we picked the right time and the right place too. It would have been awful for someone to walk in on us, during our private time. What was it like? - Well it's difficult to describe because I'd never felt anything like it before really. I'd had orgasms through masturbation before, but sharing yourself with someone you love and respect was really good. It brought us closer together."

A great party?

"I was round at Terry's. It was a great party. Loads of people were there. I was just standing around with my mate Steve and I see this girl over his shoulder. She smiles at me, right, so I give it the business. You know, I talk to Steve but every now and then laugh really loud and look at her again, smiling loads. She kept smiling back, so I moved in. We get talking and everything's going fine. She laughed at my jokes. Next thing I know she's looking at me all soppy and we kiss. Then it all got out of control. She's whispering to me to come upstairs - you know - and I said, 'you go on, I'll come in a minute, I've got to go to the loo first', or something.

"Anyway she goes off and Steve comes over. He's really excited, going on about 'taking my chances' and 'having it off'. I didn't know what to say. I mean I was really excited about the kiss still and he's saying that I must be a right stud to pull a girl like that. It is true, I have had lots of girlfriends but it doesn't mean I'm experienced. I mean, I'm really good at the chatting up and smooth-talking but I've never actually done it. Slept with someone. But I couldn't tell him that could I?

"Anyway I went upstairs, and found her in the bedroom, with all the lights off on top of a pile of coats. She had taken off half her clothes. I had been intending to say something. All the way upstairs I'd been thinking, 'tell her, tell her you're a virgin.' But how could I? I just knew she thought I wanted to have sex. I was thinking, 'I don't want it like this, what about protection and that?'

"It was awful, looking back, but I did it. I fumbled around and we were hardly talking so eventually, after a bit of wrestling I got it in and it lasted about 10 seconds. I just got dressed and left. I kept thinking, 'well I've done it but what could it have been like?'"

What's the big deal about HIV/AIDS?

It's easy to think that AIDS is something for other people to worry about - gay people, drug users, people who sleep around. This is wrong - all teens, whoever they are, wherever they live need to take the threat of HIV seriously. To be able to protect yourself, you need to know the facts, and know how to avoid becoming infected.

Isn't it only a problem for adults?

No. HIV is a big problem for young people, as well as adults. In 2005, it is estimated that there were 2.3 million people under 15 living with HIV.

Monica: "I am 15 years old and my best friend who is a male has AIDS and we were really close so one night we experimented and after the fact that we "did it" he told me that he had AIDS."

What's the difference between HIV and AIDS?

HIV is the virus that causes AIDS. AIDS is a serious condition in which the body's defences against some illnesses are broken down. This means that people with AIDS can get many different kinds of diseases which a healthy person's body would normally fight off quite easily.

How long does it take for HIV to cause AIDS?

The length of time between being infected with HIV and being diagnosed with AIDS depends on lots of different things. These days, there are many drugs that can be used to help people with HIV, and most doctors believe that a lot of people can be treated for a very long time. Many people do not know exactly when they were infected with HIV, and the length of time between this happening and them being diagnosed with AIDS can be very variable.

So how do you get infected with HIV?

HIV is passed on in the sexual fluids or blood of an infected person, so if infected blood or sexual fluid gets into your body, you can become infected. This usually happens by either having sexual intercourse with an infected person or by sharing needles used to inject drugs with an infected person. People can also become infected by being born to a mother who has HIV and a very small number of people become infected by having medical treatment using infected blood transfusions.

HIV can't be caught by kissing, hugging or shaking hands with an infected person, and it can't be transmitted by sneezes, door handles or dirty glasses.

What is 'safe sex'?

Safe sex means sexual activities which you can do even if one person is infected with HIV, and they definitely won't pass it on to the other person. Loads of activities are completely safe. You can kiss, cuddle, massage and rub each other's bodies. But if you have any cuts or sores on your skin, make sure they are covered with plasters (band-aids). Nothing you do on your own can cause you to get HIV - you can't infect yourself by masturbation.

What about using drugs?

The only way to be safe around drugs is not to take them. If you are on drugs you may take risks you normally wouldn't take, and you may have unsafe sex when you would normally be more careful. If you take drugs, you might find it more difficult to use a condom, or you might forget altogether. One of the most common drugs this can happen with is alcohol - if you're drunk, you might not always know what you're doing, or you might not care.

If you inject drugs, you should always use a clean needle, syringe and spoon, water, etc each time you inject, and never share any of these with anyone else. If you snort drugs, and you use a note or a straw to snort through, you shouldn't share it with anyone else, as blood can be passed from the inside of one person's nose to another.

If you have a tattoo or a piercing, you should make sure that the needles and equipment used are sterile. Ask the staff at the place you have it done about what precautions they use.

What is safer sex?

Safer sex also means using a condom during sexual intercourse. Using a condom is not absolutely safe as condoms can break, but condoms can be effective if they are used correctly. To find out more about this, see our condoms page.

Oral sex (one person kissing, licking or sucking the sexual areas of another person) does carry some risk of infection. If a person sucks the penis of an infected man, for example, infected fluid could get into the mouth. The virus could then get into the blood if you have bleeding gums or tiny sores somewhere in the mouth. The same is true if infected sexual fluids from a woman get into the mouth of her partner. But infection from oral sex alone seems to be very rare.

Can you get infected your first time?

Yes, if your partner has HIV and you have unsafe sex, then you can become infected.

Is there a cure?

There is no cure for HIV. HIV is a virus, and no cure has been found for any type of virus. Recently, doctors have been able to control the virus once a person is infected, which means that a person with HIV can stay healthy for longer, but they have not managed to get rid of the virus in the body completely.

How can I tell if someone's infected with HIV?

There is no way to tell just by looking at someone whether they are infected with HIV. Someone can be infected but have no symptoms and still look perfectly healthy. They might also feel perfectly healthy and not know themselves that they are infected. The only way to know if a person is infected or not is if they have a blood test.

How can I get tested?

You may find it helpful to talk to an adult - perhaps a parent, school nurse or teacher may be able to advise you where you can have a test. There are details of helplines, clinics and testing centres on our help and advice page. It's much better to talk to someone than to worry on your own. The clinic will suggest that you wait three months (or six in the US) after your last risky sexual contact before having a test. This is because the virus is difficult to detect immediately after infection.

Will they tell my parents?

The clinics in different places have different policies. Most (but not all) clinics have a confidentiality policy, and will not tell anyone, although some places will want to bring a parent to give consent. You can phone the clinic before you go and find out.

What will they do?

Before they do anything, the doctor or nurse will ask if you're sure you want to have a test. They will usually take a sample of blood from you to examine. If you also want to be tested for STD's, they may take a urine sample, or they might ask if they can take a swab from the vagina or penis. Some places can give you the results on the same day, in other places you may have to wait for a week or more. While you wait, you shouldn't have sexual contact with anyone.

I have HIV - what should I do?

If you have found that you have HIV, you will need to tell the people who you have had sex with and anyone you have shared needles with so that they can decide if they want to have a test. This can be a very difficult thing to tell someone. If you think you can't tell them, your doctor or nurse may be able to help you. Your doctor at the clinic should also be able to give you more advice about how to stay healthy. They will also be able to tell you if you need to have any other blood tests done, and talk to you about medication.

Tequilla:"We scheduled an appointment and they told my mom to bring me that week, so she did. We went to my appointment and the people were very nice and respectful. They took me and my mom in a room and they talked to me. They told me about all the medicine that can keep me alive."

More experiences of being young and HIV positive can be cound on our stories of young people living with HIV page.

The internet has become a part of our lives, and now, most teens in developed countries go online every day. It's changed our lives in a lot of ways – we use the web for school, for work, and also for socialising and meeting new people.

The internet is a great way of sharing with people all around the world – other people in many countries might be reading this page right now. People spend more of their daily lives online than ever before, shopping, chatting, making new friends, studying and working online. The internet has areas that appeal to all the most important sides of our lives - including relationships and sex. It can be a really useful and important part of our lives. But unfortunately, as the internet has grown, it hasn't always been matched by a sensible portrayal of sexual matters.

There are a few different sides to sex and relationships that you'll find online - some can be helpful, some not. The most popular subjects are:

• Help, information & advice
• Chat / Meeting people
• Pornography

This page contains some simple tips on internet safety for teens. It gives advice on accessing sexual health information, safe internet use, and how to find what you're looking for online.

Help, information & advice for teens

These days, there are a large number of resources for teens available on the internet, on all sorts of different subjects. On the subjects of 'sex' and 'relationships', sites often give help, advice or information. This type of information seems to be very important to teens - a recent survey found that 75% of young people in the USA use the internet to look for health information. But to find the right information, you have to look in the right places.

AVERT.org is an example of a site that gives information, primarily about HIV and AIDS. It also has a teens section that contains information for young people.

Examples of websites that offer help and advice for teens are available from the AVERT.org help page and from the AVERT.org links page. Some of these websites may be operated by larger organisations who also offer helplines – phone lines on which you can talk to people, usually in confidence. Websites that offer help, advice and information can be extremely useful, especially if you want to find out about things that you're not taught in school sex-ed, or that you can't talk to your parents about. There are a few things you need to watch out for, though...

The truth, and nothing but the truth?

It's all very well if the information is accurate, but there's no way of knowing that what you read on the web is true. Anyone can put up a web page claiming that you won't get pregnant if you have sex standing up, for example - but that doesn't make it true! (It isn't true, btw!) Just because something's on the internet doesn't mean it's correct. If you're looking for information about something really important, try to double-check on more than one site, to make sure that the info is trust worthy.

Hidden agenda?

Some sites might give (or not give) you certain information for a reason of their own. For example, some religious organisations don't believe in sex before marriage. If one of these organisations runs a website, can you be sure that it'll give you the full info on how to have safer sex, for example? Even worse, can you be sure that it won't give you wrong info, to try and put you off having sex?

Linked up

Some websites – including some religious ones – give really good, honest information. But how do you know which ones are honest and which ones aren't? Sometimes you can find out stuff about who made the site by clicking the about us link - most websites have one. Another way to find a reliable website can be to ask a teacher, or your doctor to recommend a good one. Or, if you can't find what you're looking for on our website, you can try the ones on our help page and our links page – we only link to reliable organisations.

Revving the search engine

In a survey, 60% of American teens looking for sexual health info used a search engine (like Google or Yahoo!) to find the information they were looking for. To find what you want using a search engine, you have to use the right keywords. For example, if you just type "teen sex" into the search box, you'll probably notice that there're a lot of websites about 'teen sex' that don't give any advice at all – and, unless you're looking for pornography, they won't be any help to you. Try using different words, as well as teen or sex - words like advice, help, or information.

Through the filter

In 2004, 35% of UK teens said they thought their computers had software that 'filtered' what they could read about. Some computer programs have special 'filters' that are meant to stop pornography – they often look out for words about sex, and if they find those words, they might not display the website that uses them. The trouble is,this can sometimes mean that they also accidentally stop you from reading sites that give advice about sex. Most public computers, in schools and libraries for example, use filters. Often, filters can be programmed to let certain sites through, so if you find that you can't access AVERT.org (or another useful site) at school, ask your computer teacher if it can be allowed through.

Filters can be turned on or off, whatever suits you. Most search engines have a button saying 'preferences' allowing you to put the filter on or off. Microsoft Windows TM also has a filter option that you can turn on or off. To change this, ask the owner of the computer.

Internet safety for teens - meeting people, chatting, making friends

Almost all teens who have access to the web use it to chat, email, SMS or IRC with their friends. New technology has created loads of new ways to make new friends and talk to them. But this is an area where you have to be really careful - get it wrong and it could cost you your life!

There're now loads of places online where you can talk to people. Some of them (like message boards) are for discussing particular subjects. Others (usually chatrooms, or IRC) work in real time, and are often popular with young people. Many teens find that communication over the web plays a really important role in their friendships and relationships – lots of people even meet their boy- or girlfriends online.

The web is also used by some people not just to chat, but to cyber – to have sex with someone over the internet. Sounds crazy? Well lots of people do it, sometimes with webcams, sometimes just typing stuff they'd like to do to each other. Cybering can be ok as long as you don't let it carry over into real life. And, even if it sounds a bit strange, it's still a form of safe sex - you won't get any STDs from cybering with someone!

But there are some precautions you have to take on the web. People aren't necessarily who they say they are, and even if someone sends you a photo of themselves, it doesn't necessarily prove anything – so don't take anyone for granted.

People aren't always what they seem on the web.

• Don't go to meet people you know only from the internet!
• If you do decide you're going to meet someone anyway, take a friend with you and make sure your parents or an adult know where you're going and who you're with.
• Make sure the person you're meeting knows that you've told an adult what you're doing.
• Go somewhere where there are lots of other people around - a busy mall, for example.
• Don't give out personal information over the internet - don't tell anyone your name and address, for example.
• If someone you know from a chatroom or board wants you to send them pictures or personal info – stop and think! Why are they asking, and can you be sure they're who they say they are?
• Sometimes you might want to go along to something you've heard about online – maybe a youth group, counselling or information sessions. A bit of common sense is needed here. And if you're unsure, always ask someone else's opinion.

Internet safety for teens - pornography

The most common things you might find on the internet when looking for sexual health info is pornography ('porn' for short). As you probably already know, 'porn' is sexual pictures, writing, photos or films. It can be annoying, especially if you're looking for something else. In the UK, 57% of teens reported coming across pornography online while they looked for other things. That's not really surprising, as there are over 1.3 million porn sites on the web, generating billions of dollars. Some people find looking at these things is sexually exciting, but there're some important things you need to know about porn.

• There's loads of porn on the internet and it can be very hard to avoid. But if you don't like it, you don't have to look at it. There are ways you can stop your computer from showing porn sites.
• Pornography isn't always just pictures or films. It can also include cartoons or writing. Under this definition, it could also include chatroom talk, if it gets too strong.
• There are lots of different types of pornography on the internet, and it ranges from quite mild stuff to things that are illegal.
• In some parts of the world, there are age limits on looking at porn, so make sure you're over the legal age. The laws about what is illegal are different in different countries – don't assume that it's legal just because you can look at it. Pornography involving children or animals is illegal in most countries. In many countries, if you are under the age of consent, it may be illegal for you to view all pornography, whatever type, pictures, films or written.
• In many parts of the world, some types of pornography are illegal, and you can get in trouble if it's found on your computer. People who have been found to have large quantities of illegal pornography on their computers have been sent to prison.
• Lots of people find it offensive – so don't show it to other people or leave it where other people can find it.
• Some people like to use pornography for masturbation. Masturbation isn't wrong at all, but pornography can be, and you might not be allowed to look at certain things because of laws in your area.
• Remember – porn only shows sexual images, and there's much more to sex than this. Sex is also about feelings and relationships, and pornography doesn't show that. It also doesn't show important parts of sex, like how to protect against pregnancy or STDs.
• Pornography sites can be really difficult to get away from. tThey can add themselves to your favourites, for example, or to your desktop. Sometimes they can get your modem to dial international numbers which cost you a fortune. If you look at these sites, you need a really good firewall, spy- and mal-ware blockers, and a good Trojan- and virus-killer.
• If someone's showing or sending you porn, and you don't feel comfortable, ask them to stop. If they don't, then you should think about asking a teacher or parent for advice. This can be a type of abuse.

Don't be put off!

Okay, so there are dangers on the internet. You can find false information, and people aren't always who they say they are. But don't let this put you off!

The web can also be a really valuable resource for sexual health information. Almost anything you could possibly need to know is out there somewhere, all the things you wanted to ask but couldn't go to your teachers or parents about. It's completely safe, as long as you remember the basic tips about internet safety for teens that you've read on this page.

As well as sexual health information, the web can put you in touch with other people – if you're going through a difficult time, you can find other people who've had the same experiences and can help. Or maybe you've been through a difficult experience and want to use that to help other people. That's fine, as long as you remember the divide between the web and real life. If you go to anything in real life that you found about from the web, you have to be really careful that it's safe – even something like counselling sessions. As long as you're careful, and as long as you stick to safe and reputable sites, the net can be great. You're never alone if you're online.

Looking for teen relationship advice? This page looks at some of the most common things that teens worry about when it comes to relationships, and the importance of talking about your feelings.

Being attracted to someone

Being attracted to someone can be exciting but you may feel quite anxious, wondering if they feel the same for you. If you ask them out and they refuse you may feel rejected. You may be concerned that if people find out who you're interested in, they may tease you about it. Some people are so worried about this that they find it difficult to get started.

Does she like me? - Is he interested? - How can I tell?

This is a question that loads of people ask - and there isn't any simple answer. You could always try asking them out - that's they only way you're going to know for sure!

Asking someone out - on a date - getting started

Many people find this the really difficult bit - how do you ask someone out? There's no simple answer to this one, either, but the main thing to remember is that 'if you don't ask, you don't get'. What's the worst that could happen? They say "no." Well, that's not the end of the world - and anyway, they might say "yes", you won't know until you ask. Anyway, even if they say "no", they might say "yes" later – now they know you're interested, they might just need time to think about it.

The practical side of asking someone out doesn't have a recipe, I'm afraid - it's different in every situation. However, there are a few useful things to remember:

• Asking someone out is flattering - they should be pleased, even though they might be surprised.
• Try to get the person alone before you ask them out - it's often harder with other people around.
• Try to get to know the person a bit, first.
• Try to relax!
• Sometimes, you just have to say it - "Will you go out with me?"
• If they say "yes" - brilliant!
• If they say "no" - well, you've just got to respect that. Remember, it doesn't say anything about your value as a person.
• Remember - there's someone out there for everyone!

Going out - dating - having a relationship

There're lots of different types of relationship, from 'friends-with-benefits' to full-on marriage! All relationships are different, but they usually all have one thing in common - when you're in a relationship with someone it usually means that you both like each other (and fancy each other!) more than anyone else.

Most relationships are monogamous - which means that for as long as you stay together, you'll only be physical with each other - you won't get off with anyone else or have sex with anyone else. The advantage of this is that you're less likely to catch any sexually transmitted infections if you stay with just one partner (as long as they don't have any!).

Some people have lots of relationships. Some people have a few, or one long one. Some people don't want a close relationship at certain times in their life.

Sex is an important part of many people's relationships. Not just sexual intercourse ('going all the way') but kissing and touching each other for pleasure. Just because you're going out with someone you don't have to have sexual intercourse.

If you are thinking of having sex with someone, then you might need to read our first time page, and our page on teens, sex & AIDS.

Two views of going out the first time

"The first person I went out with, a girl from school, was really lovely but she must have thought I was an absolute idiot. We went to the pictures and almost as soon as we had sat down I tried to kiss her. She sort of kissed me back so I thought, great, next step, hand down her shirt. She wasn't keen on that, so I tried to put my hand up her skirt. Then she got up and said she was going home. It took me a while to realise what a stupid thing I had done. You can't rush into these things and everybody has different feelings about things they like. You have to understand that and make sure it's what you both really want to do."

"Although I'd really fancied Jim, when we actually went out together it was an absolute disaster. We went to see a film, but in the end I only saw a few minutes of it. We sat down, it went dark, and next thing I knew he was trying to snog me. Trouble is, I think I must have been his first date because he had no idea how to kiss. I tried to respond but it was a bit difficult. Next, he had his hand down my shirt, and it's our first date! I quite like that sort of thing but I want to do it when I feel like it, you know, not by numbers. I mean, I don't really know Jim and if we could have just relaxed and talked and had a laugh it would have been better. I know he was just nervous really but some boys can be so insensitive."

Keeping relationships going

Being in a relationship can be really good.

"It feels like you're walking six foot in the air."

It can give you a real high to know that someone wants you and you want them. Many people feel more confident about themselves when they are in a relationship.

For most people being 'in a relationship' is an important part of their lives. It can be hard to keep a relationship going. You have to work at it. There may be tensions between partners and pressures from people and circumstances outside. For example, your friends might resent you not spending so much time with them. You might feel that your reputation depends on who you go out with, how long for and what you do together.

It is easy to become jealous and possessive and wonder if your partner is going to go off with someone else. You might not be able to talk to your partner about it, but it can help to check out your feelings with somebody else you trust.

"Some people think you're only half a person until you love someone."

Two views of a relationship

"I just can't control my jealousy. It feels like my girlfriend goes out of her way to upset me by flirting with my friends. Since I mentioned it to her she tries to annoy me even more by talking about good looking men. I know she's saying it to wind me up but I can't control my feelings of jealousy.

I sometimes plan to follow her when she's going out with her friends to see if she is seeing someone else. When I brought it up with her she said she loved me and I was being stupid. But how can I be sure? I don't ever want to lose her. Sometimes I think it's her friends that are leading her on."

"I feel trapped because he is so possessive. Every time I go out with my friends he accuses me of being unfaithful and sneaking off to see other boys. Why are boys so possessive? I'm not his property am I?

Some of my friends say that a boy's reputation would be really bad if they were dumped by a girl. That's why they are so possessive. I still like my boyfriend, he's just being immature.

He says he loves me and talks about when we have children and live together. Sometimes this seems really romantic, but mostly, I feel under pressure because I don't know what I want yet."

Breaking up a relationship

Very few people stay for ever with the first person they have a relationship. Some people can feel trapped in a relationship. People who stay together just for the sake of 'being together' or because it seems like everyone else is in a couple may not be happy or be good for each other.

Relationships break up for lots of reasons. For example, because they get too 'heavy' or serious. Or because one of you feels used or because you want to do different things.

It can be difficult to break up because you may feel upset and feel like you're hurting someone. But sometimes it may be a relief for both of you.

Two views of breaking up

"Boys and girls are different aren't they. It stands to reason. I mean I'm not like Kerry, I can't stand gossiping about all my worries and telling everyone about our love life.

I sort of feel more comfortable with the lads in the team. I mean you don't have to watch out all the time and try to make an effort like you do with girls. Maybe we're just not suited."

"Danny and me had been going out for six months - things were going really well and we spent most of our time together in school and in the evenings and at weekends. I thought that was what we both wanted because that's what people in love do, don't they?

But then Danny got picked for the first eleven and now he's always training and celebrating and there isn't time. I've tried telling him how I miss him, I'm not jealous, I just want to be with him all the time. I told him that when we were married he'd have to give up his football. He went white and mumbled something about he hadn't realised we were a real long term thing. Then he just got up and left. I haven't seen him since."

Talking about your feelings

Talking about your feelings can help. It can stop you feeling alone and the chances are you will discover other people have had the same feelings. Realising other people have been in the same position helps and you could learn from their experience.

Choosing who you talk to and when is important. It may be someone you fancy or someone you are going out with. If these people are connected with the feelings you have, it can sometimes make it more difficult.

The person you talk to should be someone you feel easy and relaxed with and can trust. It might be a parent or guardian, especially if you have a good relationship with them.

Or it might be that a sister or brother or other relative would be better. Some of your friends' parents might be approachable or you might have a friend who would listen.

Talking to people who are a bit less close to you might be good too. For example, a teacher, or someone at a youth group or a medical person such as a doctor.

Talking about things can be hard. Especially if they are difficult feelings. But it's worth remembering that very often the reaction you get will be helpful and understanding. You may wonder why you got so worked up in the first place.

If you've had an experience different from those covered on this page, or if there's something you don't agree with, or that you think is missing - email us and mention that it's for the Relationships page - and we'll add your experiences to the ones here.

What is puberty?

Between the ages of 10 and 14 most boys and girls begin to notice changes taking places to their bodies. These changes which take place over a number of years also include emotional changes and are sometimes referred to as puberty.

The changes take place in all boys and girls but they will start at different times. Generally the changes start later for boys than girls. In some people they start before the age of 10. Other people will only start to change after the age of 14. The changes also take place at a different rate in different people. In some people all the changes take place in 2 years. In other people they can take as long as 4 years.

Puberty starts when extra amounts of chemicals called hormones start to be produced in the body. These hormones guide the changes that take place in the body. As well as causing physical changes these hormones also cause emotional changes to occur.

What are the physical changes that take place in boys?

A boy's voice gets deeper, his muscles develop and his chest gets broader. Hair starts to grow under his arms, and on his legs and face. In due course he will need to start shaving.

During this time his penis and testicles will also grow bigger and longer. Hair, often called pubic hair, will also start to grow at the base of his penis. He will start to have erections and he may have wet dreams.

What is an erection?

An erection is when a boy's penis hardens and lengthens. Most erections are not straight, and tend to either have a curvy bend upwards or to either side. Many boys worry that their penis is smaller than other boys', but most penises are around the same size when erect.

What is a wet dream?

A wet dream is when some semen (the sticky liquid that sperm is part of) comes out from a boy's penis while he is asleep. A boy may remember he had a sexual dream. Or he may just notice a wet patch on his pyjamas or on the sheets when he wakes up.

It is a good idea for a boy to wash his testicles and penis, particularly behind his foreskin if he has one, after he has had a wet dream. Because a boy may develop an infection around his penis and testicles if they are not cleaned regularly, it's a good idea to wash them daily.

What does it mean for a boy's voice to break?

This is just a way of saying that a boy's voice will get deeper. Sometimes it can happen very quickly, perhaps even overnight. Other boys may have a time when their voice is higher at one moment and then lower even a minute later. All boys' voices will eventually settle down and sound deeper (lower pitch).

How often does a boy need to shave?

When a boy first has hair on his face, it is usually just a small amount on his upper lip and chin. This can be removed by shaving it off with a razor. Razors can be bought in most supermarkets and chemists. Using shaving foam or gel before a boy shaves will help reduce any irritation caused to his skin by shaving. At first a boy probably won't need to shave very often. But eventually a boy will probably need to shave every day as this hair starts to grow back quickly.

What can a boy do if...

He get spots?

Almost everybody has spots at some time during their life. Most young people get spots around puberty. Washing your face more often with mild unperfumed or antiseptic soap and warm water may help. Some people find that not eating certain foods such as chips and chocolate can help. Other people say this won't help because it is the higher level of hormones in the body that is causing the spots to occur. For some people drinking lots of water can be very effective in helping prevent spots.

It is important to try not to pick at, or squeeze, the spots as this can cause them to become infected. It may help to use some special anti-acne cream or lotion. You can buy this from chemists and some. If you get very bad spots, it might be acne which your doctor can help with by giving you pills or special creams.

He gets an erection when he doesn't want to?

He can try sitting down and concentrating on something else.

He is not having wet dreams?

This is nothing to worry about as not every boy has wet dreams.

Someone says he smells?

As boys and girls' bodies develop during puberty so too do their sweat glands. These glands are to help control the body's temperature and result in more sweat being produced. The best way to reduce the risk of smelling is to wash and change your clothes regularly and perhaps use anti-perspirant deodorant on especially smelly areas, e.g. under your arms.

He is being bullied because of his size?

If a boy is being bullied because of his size or for any other reason, then he should talk to an adult.

He is unhappy about the way he looks?

Height and weight are the two things that can particularly worry young people. But try and think about things you like about yourself and the way you look. Also remember that your body is changing and will keep changing.

What is puberty?

Between the ages of 10 and 14 most boys and girls begin to notice changes taking places to their bodies. These changes which take place over a number of years also include emotional changes and are sometimes referred to as puberty.

The changes take place in all boys and girls but they will start at different times. Generally the changes start later for boys than girls. In some people they start before the age of 10. Other people will only start to change after the age of 14. The changes also take place at a different rate in different people. In some people all the changes take place in 2 years. In other people they can take as long as 4 years.

Puberty starts when extra amounts of chemicals called hormones start to be produced in the body. These hormones guide the changes that take place in the body. As well as causing physical changes these hormones also cause emotional changes to occur.

What are the physical changes that take place in girls during puberty?

A girl's breasts will start to grow and her hips get rounder. Hair will start to grow under her arms. Hair, often called pubic hair, will also grow between her legs. She will also start to have periods.

What is a period?

When a girl "has her period", a small amount of bleeding (a few spoonfuls) takes place from her vagina. The vagina is a small opening that girls have between their legs. The bleeding will last for a few days and usually happens every month. This bleeding is sometimes referred to as menstruation and is not something to be scared of. Some girls get a white stain in their panties before they have had their first period, and this means their first period may begin soon.

Most girls will have their first period between the ages of 11 and 14. But some girls will start as early as 8, whilst others may be as late as 17.

Once a girl has had her period a few times she may notice that her body or mood changes slightly beforehand. For example, her breasts may feel sore, or become larger, or she may get spots on her face. But no one can tell if a girl has her period just by looking at her.

How does a girl stop blood getting on her clothes during her period?

When a girl has her period she can use sanitary towels or tampons to soak up the blood. Most girls start by using sanitary towels.

Sanitary towels are thin pads made of a soft cotton-like material. They are worn by a girl inside her panties. Most towels have a sticky strip on them that sticks the pad to the inside of the girl's panties.

A tampon is like a small rolled up piece of cotton wool with a string at one end. A girl pushes a tampon into her vagina leaving the string hanging outside her body. The string is then used to pull the tampon out. Some tampons also come with cardboard or plastic applicators that insert the tampon for you. As a tampon is put into the vagina there is no problem about going to the toilet when using a tampon.

Sanitary towels and tampons can both be bought in supermarkets and chemists. They usually come in packets of about 10 or 15. Towels and tampons come in different thicknesses so you can use a thicker one when the bleeding is heavier, and thinner ones for lighter bleeding.

In areas where tampons and towels are not available, or are too expensive to afford, many women will use rags or old strips of cloth or towelling to soak up the blood. "Menstrual cups" (small latex or silicone cups that are inserted into the vagina to collect the blood) are also available from chemists in some countries, and most can be washed and reused many times.

How often does a sanitary towel or tampon need to be changed and how do you dispose of them?

A sanitary towel should be changed every few hours during the day, even if the flow of blood is not very great. A sanitary towel can be used overnight without changing. Tampons should be changed several times a day and a tampon should not be used overnight. Changing tampons is particularly important because if a girl forgot to change a tampon for a long time, perhaps 24 hours or more, then it could make her ill.

Used sanitary towels and tampons should be wrapped up and put in a bin. In most women's public toilets there is a special bin in each cubicle which used sanitary towels and tampons can be put in.

Do periods hurt?

Some girls feel uncomfortable or have cramp-like pains when they have periods. For some girls the pain can be quite intense and it may be necessary to talk to a doctor about it. Usually the pain is not very bad and does not last very long. If you have any difficulty you should talk to an adult, as there are a number of things that can be done to help.

When a girl has her period she can do the things she normally does including having a bath or shower. Washing the vaginal area daily helps prevent infections developing. But it's a good idea to wash and dry from front to back to avoid spreading germs to the vagina.

When having a bath the amount of blood will not be enough to change the colour of the water. If a girl is using a tampon she should take it out before having a bath or shower and use a new one afterwards. If a girl wants to go swimming whilst she has her period she should use a tampon rather than a sanitary towel.

When does a girl need to start wearing a bra?

There is no set time when a girl needs to start wearing a bra and some girls go through life never wearing one. Girls who wear a bra usually do so because they feel more comfortable wearing one. Some girls wear a bra only when they are doing sports, others wear one all the time except when sleeping. Bras are made with different size cups for different breast sizes.

Often one breast grows faster than the other. Some girls' breasts remain small throughout their adult lives. Some girls find that their breasts or nipples start to tingle or itch whilst they grow. But these feelings stop when the breast stops growing.

It is not necessary to wear a bra to keep breasts healthy.

What can a girl do if...

She gets spots?

Almost everybody has spots at some time during their life. Most young people get spots around puberty. Washing your face more often with mild unperfumed or antiseptic soap and warm water may help. Some people find that not eating certain foods such as chips and chocolate can help. Other people say this won't help because it is the higher level of hormones in the body that is causing the spots to occur. For some people drinking lots of water can be very effective in helping prevent spots.

It is important to try not to pick at, or squeeze, the spots as this can cause them to become infected. It may help to use some special anti-acne cream or lotion. You can buy this from chemists and some supermarkets. If you get very bad spots it might be acne which your doctor can help with by giving you pills or special creams.

Her period starts and she doesn't have a sanitary towel or tampon?

A girl can always use something soft like tissues, or rolled-up toilet paper inside her panties to soak up the blood until she can get a sanitary towel or tampon.

Her period starts when she is at school?

If you are at school you should ask a friend or a teacher or other adult if they could help. There might be some sanitary towels in the school office as it quite often happens that a girl's period starts unexpectedly.

Someone says she smells?

As boys and girls' bodies develop during puberty so too do their sweat glands. These glands are to help control the body's temperature and result in more sweat being produced. The best way to reduce the risk of smelling is to wash and change your clothes regularly and perhaps use anti-perspirant deodorant on especially smelly areas, e.g. under your arms. However, most girls do not need to use a vaginal deodorant, and these may cause irritation.

Her period doesn't start when she expects it to?

When a girl first starts having periods they can occur at very irregular intervals. It can often take a couple of years before a girl's periods settle down and occur at regular intervals. The interval between periods is then usually about 28 days (a month).

Changes in your emotions can also cause changes to your periods. For example, worry about a period starting can sometimes cause further delay to the period.

However if you have had sexual intercourse you could be pregnant if your period does not start when you expect it to. You must in these circumstances talk to an adult or see a doctor as soon as possible.

She is being bullied because of her size?

If a girl is being bullied because of her size or for any other reason, then she should talk to an adult.

She is unhappy about the way she looks?

Height and weight are the two things that can particularly worry young people. But try and think about things you like about yourself and the way you look. Also remember that your body is changing and will keep changing.